An awesome introductory bio

G’day reader,  I’m so glad you’re here.

To make further blog posts easier to understand and in an effort for you to better know me–a bio seems like a great place to start.
This is going to be a toughie for me to write, it pretty much splays out everything and I certainly don’t tend to discuss this sort of thing over cocktails, but the intention of this blog is not only for me to process some fun stuff, but also for others to know they’re not alone–and in the case of a lot of you guys who can’t exactly relate but are down to empathize, that this sort of thing happens and sucks but it doesn’t mean life isn’t awesome.
So.From start to finish–this is Kyra. Let’s get started.

I was the firstborn of a woman who had a colorful childhood, had no idea how to raise a child, but I believe might have tried. She smoked a lot of pot when I was in the womb, snorted a fair bit of cocaine, but played mozart and Bob Marley to her belly. She’s a pathlogical liar, but I believe her on this one–because the first time I heard Bob Marley around age 10 it felt like home.   I was completely accidental and that’s probably where I get the absolute pleasure of scaring the pants off of people when they don’t expect it.
I don’t know anything about my biological father except that my mother got a  morning glory tattoo for him, that he was a nice Jewish guy from a nice Jewish family in Florida.  I also know that he converted to christianity and became a minister part time while working at Delta airlines in baggage claims–in Georgia and has a nice family of 2 kids and a beautiful wife.  (this information is derived from a good facebook stalk).
At age 2, my bio mom was incarcerated for something drug-related. She was a pretty hefty player in the Laguna Beach Cocaine scene, but from the looks of her 1.5 year bout in prison–I doubt it had anything to do with kilos of cocaine.
As a result of her incarceration, I was adopted by her mother.  I refer to my biological grandmother as “mom” and my biological mother as “bio mom.”

Okay, this is taking too long. Here’s a rapid fire of my life.

Age 2 adopted by bio grandma AKA mom
Grew up thinking my biological mother AKA bio mom was dead
Mom survived the Korean war and deserves the most kudos for survival (even if she sucked at parenting)
Mom was adopted into a Jewish family, was an observant Jew until shortly after she adopted me.
Mom Converted to Messianic Judaism (A spectacular re-branding of Jews for Jesus)
I learned to read at the age of 3.5 thanks to an awesome Dad (AKA non-biological grandfather)
Dad was a VP of sales at Murad skin company–I thought it was awesome
Mom decided to homeschool. (AKA not teach me anything and hope I turned out better than the “brainwashed” kids in formal Ed.)
Age 4-5
I can remember having the living shit beat out of me everyday.
More church and bible. Wait. Wait. What about my Bat-mitzvah.
Age 6
Mom wades in the extreme christianity pool, starts street evangelical ministry
Mom jumps off the religious deep-end, sells all of her real estate property, starts a non-profit, and all of a sudden I live in Mexico
Dad was still in the states living a normal life with a normal job and trying to salvage their marriage
Age 6-10
Mom beats the living flying fucking shit out of me daily and loses a bunch of supporters as a result but keeps on truckin’ regardless
I read a book-per-day out of pure desire to do so–shoutout to Dad for taking me to the library to re-up on my book stack every time we shot up to the states
Mom expands into Orphanage and Prison ministries.
I become the only person in our organization besides the translator who speaks Spanish–mom fires the translator and I’m the replacement.
Goes into Mexican prisons 4 times per week which is fucking petrifying. Anal cavity searches were awesome.
I wanted to become a CIA assasin so freaking bad. (random)
Joined the Patrulla Juvenile (the hardcore as fuark no-one-will-sue-us-if-your-kid-breaks-their-leg JROTC equivalent in Mexico, except instead of the military, it’s based on a Police platform)
^^^^^Where I started learning Judo, Boxing, Wrestling, Tumbling/Gymnastics (Why was this a thing?), Marching, Running, etc.


I MAKE MY FIRST FRIEND, EVER.  MITZY CORINA GOMEZ SOTO. Best. Day. Ever.  We’re still friends. Thanks Facebook.
Age 11-13
I start my period and hide it because I think jesus is killing me for masturbating.
Mom starts losing financial backing, has gone through the million plus  she had before this fiasco
Mom starts dating/living with loser missionary guy who jesus said was the one for her.
He starts to beat the shit out of me, too. I’m basically emo at this point.
Mom divorces Dad
I see Dad even less
I get raped for the first time
Mom gets a stroke
Mom starts being nice for a second
We move back to the states–I start seeing Dad more
I find out my stepdad is a registered Sex Offender for raping his daughter.
We move back to Mexico
I run away from home x1
I get raped the second time
I run away from home x2 and am assisted by Mitzy’s chief-of-police Dad and become a ward of the state and land in a children’s home in TJ for four months.
Dad busts me out of DIF (Mexico’s CPS equivalent) and we live together.
I attend a christian school and am SUPER STOKED OMG SCHOOL IS AMAZEBALLS.
I get bullied like mad and start figuring out puberty what being gay is.
I finally admit to my Dad that I’m dying because of masturbating and jesus is not down. But I can’t tell mom because she’ll accelerate the death for jesus if she finds out my vagina is bleeding profusely.

My dad buys me tampons.
I get my first girlfriend at the christian school
I get anger issues and start taking it out on my Dad for letting all the beatings happen–without actually telling him the beatings happened.
He doesn’t handle it well. We stop talking.
He sends me back to live with my mom
My bio mom finds me on Myspace
I get kicked out of the house for being Gay.
I get a flight to Arkansas and live with Bio mom
Age 13-15
Find out Bio mom is addicted to literally anything that will get her high
She gets on crazy highs and beats or psychologically abuses
She starts making me take random drugs–I’m so confused
Do everything I can to make sure my little brother doesn’t have to handle her crap
Teaches 7  year old brother to read and write
Starts getting hardcore brainwashed by bio mom.
Bio mom teaches/has me grow pot, cook meth, fight, shoot guns, hide paranoia-infused hypothetical bodies, commit fraud/robbery, drive drunk, and makes me read the anarchist cookbook like her version of the bible.
Bio mom starts letting her friends sleep with me if she wants to get on their good side.
Bio mom starts betting on me and setting up underground fights on her property–with all her skinhead friends.
Bio mom shoots at me for not wanting to make a sale
The letters I’ve been sending to the Military academy to gtfo out of the situation produce results–I get a probationary scholarship for summer school.
I crawl back into the closet and implore mom/dad to sign off on the papers allowing me to go to military school
Runs away from Bio-mom and swears to get little brother someday
Age 15
I got a 4.0 that summer and the scholarship was extended to the school year.
I ranked as Sergeant, was involved in 4 sports, and was enrolled in all-college courses the last semester
Reccession=no scholarship
Flies back to California
Goes to school at local high school–live with family friends
Homeless time
Youngest elected Board member at a major LGBT non-profit
Age 16-21
Tests out of high school
Goes back to Military school for College+Summer job
Life starts catching up, works more and more, goes to class less and less.
Screws up. Comes back to CA
Works at Greenpeace omg $13/hr yes yes yes
Starts working in the dirty side of politics (makes $700k in a little over a year, loses it all overnight–I’ll tell you how later)
Homeless (but yay for car=dry sleeping)
Works odd jobs, gets a great job, loses a great job
Gets involved in Sex work
Dabbles in politics and keep getting screwed….reverts back to screwing for money to stay afloat.
Lives in Carolina, Missouri, Illinois, Texas, Arkansas, Washington, Washington DC, Florida, SF, Oakland, San Diego, Phoenix, Michigan, South Dakota,  Tijuana, Berkeley, Sacramento, Now back in Orange County.
Super fun times.
Gets money loses money etc etc
Gets into an awesome relationship
Loses place to live

Mistakes learned, obstacles overcome, ready to go into full-awesome-overdrive.

So here we are. This is for reference purposes, mostly–which would explain why it’s so darn long. If you survived that piece, you can sleep well in knowing that you’ve just officiated your awesome.